Signs your relationship has turned abusive

Source: Signs your relationship has turned abusive
How to differentiate between a bad mood and abusive behaviour
Text: Karen Khng

If there's one thing to take away from Rihanna's explosive interview with Oprah, where she admits to still caring for Chris Brown, it's that intense love can be addictive, scary and stupid. It can also blind us to behaviour that compromises our better judgement, vaporises our self-esteem and causes harm. Pathetic behaviour may be excused in the name of sacrificial love but we're actually denying ourselves of the basic love, respect and happiness that's fundamental.

Starts like this
Abuse is common in relationships. It's often undetected because our love masks the unhealthy relationship it's become. While abuse includes physical battering, it conventionally starts from a cycle of mental, verbal and emotional abuse that hides behind a range of demented behaviours - being highly derogatory, short fused, explosive, permanently unhappy and unilaterally stating all bad days are your fault. You're anxious, depressed, frustrated, feel alone and helpless. No one deserves veiled torture like this.
Clueless comments like these signal darker days to come: "I love her to death but she's curt and always puts me down,""He's accuses me of flirting with other guys but I don't," "Nothing I do is right," and "Getting stuck in traffic is my fault."

Anyone can be abusive
Abuse is gender neutral but it scars permanently. Therapists say abusers practice emotional distance from love and trusting people because they dislike feeling vulnerable. Betrayal by former partners, cynicism about life, relationships and a deep fear of being hurt again keep them on high alert against opening up. Many survived abuse, some played witness to relationships where one-sided control and inflexibility reigned and the other got sidelined. Their game console includes mind games (silent treatment, hot and cold behavior, mental cruelty), exhibition of anger, resentment and violence, withholding sex and emotional contact. An abusive person is hard to eye pick from the masses and a skilled one knows exactly how to give you dirty daily doses of living hell with a smirk on their face.

When it starts to become an issue
When bad behavior becomes a pattern, it's time to panic. If your partner has an imperfect personality but is dead bent on becoming a better person, be magnanimous, throw them a life line. But when your partner constantly berates you, the red flags should start to flap.

Contrary to popular belief, abuse is not about a lack of control, it's about a power imbalance weighted in their favor. Abuse can cause unintentional harm and accidental death but knowledge of where to draw the line is real power and could save your life.

1. He or she handpicks victims
Abusers don't insult, threaten, or assault every Tom, Dick or Harry. The abuse is saved for the people closest to them, the ones they claim they love. There's complete control when they're in public scrutiny but things become hellish when you are alone. They know instinctively when it's advantageous to stop (colleagues or boss calls) and when to put it on tap again.

2. He blames and manipulates
They accept little or no responsibility for their 'bad luck' and less-than-ideal circumstances. Therapists say abusers are gifted at seducing people they want to date and are almost never abusive to work peers. But nothing is their fault - that speeding ticket, the project he lost, the promotion that eluded him or if he had a role in office politics. If he's rude, dismissive or throws a tantrum, you've provoked it. If you complain, he'll skillfully transform the conversation into a detailed, colorful affidavit outlining all your wrongdoings since Day 1. He says that you're crazy, ditzy or unstable so you're deemed unreliable and fraught with fault.

The abuser has textbook mood swings - charming then bullet rounds of unfounded anger the next. They're master manipulators, moody, like to sulk, enjoy threatening to leave you and make you feel guilty when you speak up. At times they appear sorry when they've pushed you to wits end, even display crocodile tears and spout proclamations to change. But the remorse never lasts and when they're secure about you again, the abuse resets itself.

3. Constant resentment
Abusers like to lament about life's unfairness and wear a cloak of oblivion to their own unfair treatment of others. Their inability to get the help, resources, consideration, praise, reward or affection they think they deserve is like a low decibel drilling sound that irks them beyond relief. There's an undercurrent of self-righteousness about their rights that don't go away. You're unfairly marginalized and you no longer feel like a priority. 

4. Feels a strong sense of entitlement
Abusers believe they deserve special consideration and treatment and often feel disappointed and offended when it doesn't happen. They drive recklessly, exhibit extreme road rage, curse people and say mean things as a rite of passage. They think their 'natural superiority' should open up uncontested opportunities for them. Where it comes to their love life, once the infatuation fades, these folks waste no time in rationalizing why their mission, feelings and life are more important than yours. If you beg for quality time together, they start to belittle and ostracize you, leaving you confused and hurt.

5. They act like sergeants
They are the center of the universe. Everyone is dumber than they are. Through a mastery of body language and skilled communications, they demonstrate why they're superior beings. Their inflated ego feeds on self flattery and a typical conversation with them is peppered with examples of how much smarter, talented and faster their brains work.

The abuser cruises through life expecting emperor treatment and dishes out less honorable behavior to all others (unless he stands to gain from the alliance). Your conversations are dotted with criticisms of the way you do things, lead your life the way, the way you house clean, do the dishes, laundry, even what you eat! They feel happiest driving decisions and instructing you on how best to navigate it, on their timelines. Requests are barked out as orders with full compliance expected on your part.

Therapists say abusers are frequently insecure. They make vulgar comments and subsist on false confidence. They tend to have little respect for the fairer sex and use derogatory terms like 'cheap' and 'slut.'

6. They get upset about petty things
If she constantly blows things out of proportion, always discontent and grumpy, focuses on insignificant negative things, a relationship with her will be fraught with fights that never end. In a love relationship, her petty, put-down attitudes reduce you into an insignificant other who will never do anything right. She's easily insulted, takes everything personally and you end up feeling fearful that you'll be penalized for the smallest wrongs, real or imagined. 

7. She's unnecessarily sarcastic and mean
Her sarcasm spews from a bottomless pit. Initially, you sympathize with her poor social skills - saying the worst things at the wrong time. It seems innocently insensitive but soon it's obvious it's done with ill intentions. A selfish and abusive person utilizes sarcasm to take cheap stabs at your self confidence for a temporary ego trip or to overtly hurt you.

8. They show unbridled jealousy
Being jealous is a typical emotion abusers feel. But it's not about others fancying you. It's more about false accusations of you flirting with other people, what others have and they insult your dreams, aspirations and breeding. Wanting to know who you're with, talking to and demanding access to your passwords are all part of the control game. 

9. You're afraid of your partner
When you're afraid of the one you love, that's a big red flag. You miss him but reconnecting frightens you because he's unpredictable. His anger has nothing to do with you but you can't keep the peace because he's always able to manufacture some new fault and to kick start the cycle again - ignores you, lies, stands you up, disappear for hours and days. You're afraid to break up. You self talk saying he'll come around, cry and obsess about pleasing him. But at the end, you come to the sad realization that he alone defines the name of the game and his royal highness reserves the right to change the rules with no notice.

10. He humiliates, threatens and intimidates
Abusers may threaten to hurt you and the people you love. They may have unfair expectations of children and tease them mercilessly. They may also threaten suicide, destroy your reputation and file false charges to make you feel bad, worthless and defective. Their artillery of abusive weapons is carefully designed to erode your self-esteem, cloaking it under the 'just-joking umbrella.'
But it's no joke. They mean to damage you and keep you in line. The abuser often says you need to lighten up and get your act together. They don't listen to your opinion and aren't interested in your interests. Their problem is with your reality, not theirs, and they have an uncannily natural way of appearing rational and making you out to be the loony one. They may give threatening looks, smash things in front of you, destroy property and know how to creatively convert any household item into an assault weapon.

How to leave an unhealthy relationship
Trust your instincts. It should be easy to leave someone who's a loser, but it isn't. The deep feelings and time invested often makes a clean break a hard thing to do. But when there's no end to the criticism and humiliation, it's time to rethink the relationship.

Relationships built on distrust, control, a lack of respect and emotional closeness, a cycle of endless worry that wrong moves spell disaster, where love is held hostage, aren't healthy and don't usually last. No matter how much you yearn for love and companionship, don't fall under an abuser's love spell. Don't romanticize pain. Learn to 'un love' an abusive person. They can cause scars that last a lifetime.

Karen Khng is Managing Director of Love Script International. Find Love Script at www.love-script.com or info@love-script.com

Hello Kitty Theme Park in Malaysia!!

Yes!  Hello Kitty Theme Park is coming to this part of the world. With at admission fee of only RM$65 per park (yupz, there are 2 theme parks..Hello Kitty Land and Little Big Club).  Don't baking cookies or painting pretty nails like the little girls at Hello Kitty's house?  No problems, dads and boys can move over to Little Big Club and enjoy a whole list of activities.  Why not build something with daddy at Bob the builder?  Do note these these are indoor theme park.  Don't expect water play areas like Legoland (http://i-wanna-travel.blogspot.sg/2012/10/legoland-20-21-october-2012.html)




The proposed date for opening is on 26 October 2012.  Incase you still don't know where it is, here's the map!


Source: Visit Hello Kitty Land Town Malaysia

Father's age seen as crucial to baby's disease risk

Source: Father's age seen as crucial to baby's disease risk

LONDON (Reuters) - A father's age, not a mother's, when a baby is conceived is the single largest factor in the risk of passing on new gene mutations to children and may help explain why childhood autism rates are rising, scientists said on Wednesday.

In a study which turns conventional thinking on its head, researchers sequenced the genomes of 78 Icelandic families with children diagnosed with autism or schizophrenia and found a father's age was crucial to the genetic risk of such disorders.

"Conventional wisdom has been to blame developmental disorders of children on the age of mothers," said Kari Stefansson, chief executive of the private firm deCODE Genetics in Reykjavik, whose work was published in the journal Nature.

"(But) our results all point to the possibility that as a man ages, the number of hereditary mutations in his sperm increases."

He said this age-linked increase in mutations proportionally increased the chance a child might carry a harmful mutation that could lead to conditions like autism and schizophrenia.

"It is the age of fathers that appears to be the real culprit," he added.

The study found an average of two more new gene mutations appeared in offspring for every year of increase in a father's age - meaning the number of new mutations passed on by fathers would double every 16.5 years from puberty onwards.

However, it was not possible to say at what age this could become a concern for a man since there are so many other factors involved in the health of offspring.

Women who conceive later in life are at higher risk of having babies with Down syndrome and other rare chromosomal abnormalities, but Stefansson said his study showed men transmitted far more new gene mutations to children than women.

Richard Sharpe, a professor at the University of Edinburgh's Centre for Reproductive Health who was not involved in this research, said its results suggested men should recognise there is a price to pay for remaining fertile into old age.

"PRICE IS PAID BY CHILDREN"

"The price is paid by their children because the older your father at conception the greater the number of gene mutations you inherit from him," he said. "In contrast, gene mutations inherited from your mother are unaffected by her age at conception."

The finding chimes with the results of three American studies published in April which found that spontaneous mutations could occur in a parent's egg or sperm cells that raised the risk of autism, and that fathers were four times more likely than mothers to pass these mutations on.

Autism spectrum disorders can range from severe mental retardation with a profound inability to communicate, to relatively mild symptoms combined with some high levels of function such as those seen in people with Asperger's syndrome.

Among core features of the disorders are poor communication skills and difficulties with social engagement. In the United States, an estimated 1 in 88 children have autism, while in Europe the rate is thought to be around 1 in 100.

Diagnosis rates have been rising around the world in the past few decades and scientists have been trying to figure out why. At least part of the increase is believed to be due to better diagnosis and wider recognition of the disorders.

Scientists previously have found dozens of genes that may raise the risk of autism. But genetic causes only explain about 10 percent of cases, and recent studies have pointed to environmental factors, possibly arising at conception, as a potential trigger.

Darren Griffin, a professor of genetics at the University of Kent who was not involved in the new study, said the age finding was significant "but not one necessarily to cause great worry among prospective older fathers".

"There are three billion of letters in the DNA code of humans and the numbers of mutations detected in this study are in the dozens," he said.

Other studies in Iceland have shown that the risk of both schizophrenia and autism increases significantly with a father's age at conception, and that men are having children later. The average age of Iceland fathers conceiving in 2011 was 33 years, up from 27.9 years in 1980.

Stefansson stressed that demographic changes of this type - such as men tending to have children later - are not unique to Iceland, so suggest the reported increase in autism rates around the world was at least partially due to older fathers.

(Reporting by Kate Kelland; Editing by Pravin Char)

Flat owner takes HDB to court

Source: Flat owner takes HDB to court

By Romesh Navaratnarajah: In a landmark move, the Housing and Development Board (HDB) has been taken to court after a flat owner filed a case against it for acquiring his flat due to alleged illegal subletting.

Chew Teck Fatt, owner of the five-room unit in Bukit Batok, wants the right to be fully heard based on all the evidence gathered.

But the HDB feels that the court does not have the power to review its decision and that it can compulsorily acquire a flat that has been illegally rented out.

According to facts of the case, HDB acquired Chew's unit after its officers discovered from tenants that he did not actually live there.

Chew denied the allegations, explaining that the third room is kept for his own use.

He added that several appeals were made to HDB not to acquire his flat but they were denied and resulted in the court action.

In its defence, the housing board said that tenant Zulkeple Husin signed a statement in March this year verifying it to be correct.

This is disputed by Zulkeple, who felt the document he signed only attested to the fact that HDB officers visited the flat.

At issue now is whether there must be continuous physical occupation of the property or whether Chew lost interest in the flat and illegally sublet the whole unit.

Chew also questions how HDB arrived at its decision when it did not give him any opportunity to address the whole issue.

He noted that the court action was a last resort, adding that he fully cooperated with HDB and hopes to see the case resolved.  Related Stories: Khaw: HDB making steady progress, to build 20,000 flats next year

Bigger is better, say flat buyers

HDB launches 4191 new flats across 7 BTO projects
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Our legal system has no power against our government?  So who is their legal watch dog? Or they are free to do whatever they wish?

Aura Photo - 31 July 2012

31 Aug 2012

And so, my backside got itchy and I decided to take some rainbow pictures again.  This is the second time and the results are so different.  Anyway, it's just for fun....Sad to say, I smiled my best and put on pretty makeups but my face wasn't even shown.  Actually, the corner I sat wasn't very well lit.  That could explain why my face didn't appear.  And the result *drum roll*.....

(CENTER)

TURQUOISE Generous, peaceful   (THROAT) EARTH BLUE Deep peace   (HEART) AQUAMARINE Peaceful, compassion  

RIGHT: BLUE
Peaceful, spiritual

LEFT: GREEN

Healing, teaching

  SOLAR PLEXUS: AQUAMARINE Peaceful, compassion   SEXUAL: TURQUOISE Generous, peaceful   ROOT: EARTH BLUE Deep peace   RIGHT SIDE (EXPRESSION) "BLUE" The color on the right side is traditionally the energy being expressed.  The vibrational frequency most likely seen or felt by others around you.  Many times your friends will think this is the energy that you are made of, however, it is what you are putting out to the world.   Earth Blue, right: You glow with a mysterious inner light.  People respond to your powerful healing presence.  Others know you are tapped into something profound and divine.  The world sees you as calm and peaceful.  You have a generally quiet and contemplative nature which has a pacifying effect on others.  Unification and a sense of belonging is important to you.  You have the ability to communicate on a deep and meaningful level.  You have a knowing on how to connect with animal and plant spirits to effortlessly manifest.  Earth blue in some Aura patterns can appear dark.   CENTER (EXPERIENCE) "TURQUOISE" The folor seen over your head is what you experience for yourself now.  It's the color that would best describe you.  If the color is high it could mean aspirations or what you wish to be.  

Turquoise center: You have a compassionate, sensitive yet practical nature.  You are a natural teacher, counselor, health worker and parent.  You know how to help, encourage and nurture others with equal amounts of firmness and affection.  Presently, you may find yourself in a "healing" phase, needing time to be alone, rest and recuperate.  Self healing and nurturing is essential for people who are constantly giving to others.

  LEFT SIDE (FUTURE) "GREEN" The color on the left side is normally the vibration coming in to your being.  The closer it is to you the sooner it will be felt within a few moments, hours or as long as a few months.  

Green left:  Green is the color of growth and renewal.  It brings to mind the season of spring.  A period of transformation and new beginning is in store for you.  As the last days of winter fade, like the new grass popping out of the dark soil or small leaves sprouting from the barren branch ends, your life will similarly "springing forth".  You are bringing new healing energy into your life.

  THROAT (COMMUNICATION) "EARTH BLUE" The color in this area is an expression of the throat chakra, the center of communication.  If a bright ball of color appears here, you may feel a great need to talk and communicate.  You may be opening up to your spirituality and wish to share your profound insights with others.  You may feel a rush of artistic inspiration, or the need to sing.  

Blue throat: You most desire to express yourself in harmonious, peaceful and beautiful ways.  You may wish to express yourself artistically or spiritually.  You have the ability to articulate your deepest feelings and to experience bliss, wholeness and connection with the divine through meditation.

  HEART (EMPATHY) "AQUAMARINE" The color in the heart area expresses the energy in the heart chakra, the center of unconditional love, empathy and compassion.  If a bright ball of color appears here you are indeed a humanitarian, and would save the world if you could.  You may be a gifted healer, counselor, or teacher.  From the heart center we are able to see the good in everyone, and can let love energy flow from our hearts to nurture other beings.  

Aquamarine heart: You desire peace, quiet, solitude and rest.  You also desire to save the world and will extremely hard, using all your resources, to promote or fight for a worthwhile cause.  You are a humanitarian, empathetic to the needs and plight of others.  You may be an excellent counselor, teacher, healer or artist.  You are sensitive and imaginative as well as practical and pragmatic.  You need to find a balance between the time you give to others and the time you give to nurturing your own inner and spiritual life.

  SOLAR PLEXUS "AQUAMARINE"

The color on the solar plexus is normally the center vibration of your being.  The Solar Plexus is associated with power, money, and called the "money pot" by the Hindus.  This is the center of self esteem, and ego.

Aquamarine solar plexus: From the center of your soul you feel a time of peace and healing is at hand.  You may be experiencing spiritual fulfillment and a mysterious "oneness" or "connection" with all other living beings.  You may feel a calm satisfaction with life.  You may wish to relax and contemplate the clouds for a period of time.  Your vacation has been long past due.  You need some time now to recharge your batteries.  Blue is the color of tranquility and green is the color of healing.  It's probably a good time then to kick off your shoes and replenish your energy.

SEX "TURQUOISE"

This energy center of the body is about creativity, sociability, one's emotional life and sexuality.  Sex is a profound source of creativity, joy and pleasure which is nurturing, healing and bonding.  Many religions consider sex sinful which can create a soure of guilt, fear and shame.  When the energy in this area is balanced, the person will probably have a healthy positive attitude toward basic love.  The sexual center is the position from which one reaches out, expands and relates to others.  

Turquoise sex:  You have a compassionate, sensitive yet practical nature.  You are a natural teacher, counselor, health worker and parent.  You know how to help, encourage and nurture others with equal amounts of firmness and affection.  Presently, you may find yourself in a "healing" phase, needing time to be alone, rest and recuperate.  Self healng and nurturing is essential for people who are constantly giving to others.  In a love relationship you need a partner who can be equally as generous with you as you are with him/her.

  ROOT "EARTH BLUE" The color of the root area is traditionally the energy of the physical plane and material reality.  People with strong energy in this center usually have a red color and have good survival skills.  This is also the center of manifestation.  If you are trying to succeed in the world either by making more money, establishing a business, or accumulating possessions, you will be focusing your energy here.  This is also the place from which passion flows; the source of power and ego development.   Blue root: The world sees you as calm and peaceful.  You have a generally quiet and contemplative nature which has a pacifying effect on others.  Unification and a sense of belonging are important to you.  Blue represents loyalty, depth of feeling, relaxed sensitivity, empathy and an artistic nature.  People see you as the calm in the troubled sea.  You have extraordinary patience and are able to solve the most chaotic of situations peacefully and quickly.  You are a natural diplomat and generous to a tee.   Aquamarine Overall: A time of peace and healing is ahead of you.  Prepare to relax and contemplate the clouds of time for a period.  Blue is the color of tranquility and green is the color of healing.  It's probably a time then to kick off your shoes and replenish your energies.  You need some time now to recharge your batteries and your vacation has been long past due.